Now it's a party!
by SushiBomb
Summary: To be fair, it wasn't Fran's fault that no one told him the attic door locked from the outside.CRACK. Written for Squalo's b-day, kind of. Dedicated to my wifey RayneStrife. Rated for Language, perverted conversation, and general Varia-ness. Enjoy.


A/N: Hey hey hey boys and gals! Welcome to the newest addition to the Sushi*Bomb story collection!

Okay so firstly, this is dedicated to my wonderful interwebz wife, RayneStrife, who's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I know Jess, late fic is late D: I'm the worst wife ever! But we'll pull through!

I also wrote this kinda for Squalo's birthday, which was this week, but I was too busy to write a fic, so this is like a belated b-day story for both Squalo and my wifey lol

Ummm..warnings: This is ridiculous. I'm telling you right now. I don't know how I have the nerve to try and pass this off as fanfiction…but hey, it was fun to write, and that's what matters to me! Hopefully you all enjoy my silly, slightly perverted (more like a lot perverted) humor. And even though I said I wrote this for Squalo's birthday, it's not the main focus. It serves as more of a catalyst for the stories...questionable, events. You'll see what I mean.

Rated T for Language, blatantly perverse conversation topics, mentions of bestiality, and general Varia-ness.

Anyway, knock yourselves out!

Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn! My life is unfortunate. D:

* * *

Now it's a party!

* * *

It was Squalo's fault, first and foremost.

Curse the uncompromisingly vocal swordsman for not being scraped out of his mother's filthy, whorish uterus like they all secretly wished he would have been, and growing another motherfucking year older. His birthday had been on a quiet, rainy Sunday in which no one was around to pretend to give a damn. But upon the arrival of that Tuesday, when Lussuria returned from assignment over in Belgium, the flamboyant man insisted they throw the moody rain guardian a party.

That had been yesterday.

Perhaps Lussuria and his love of parties were the real culprits. But in all honesty, they all just wanted an excuse to engorge themselves on Lussuria's extraterrestrially delicious red-velvet cake (which happened to be Squalo's favorite). In that respect, Bel decided, Lussuria should not be to blame.

So naturally, that left Fran. Yes. It was all Fran's fault, as usual.

This whole ordeal began because he was incapable of completing even the simplest of tasks, i.e. fetching a few birthday candles from the attic. At least, that was what the other members of the Varia would argue.

To be fair, the boy hadn't been made aware of the fact that the attic door locked from the outside, otherwise they were certain they wouldn't be in their current predicament, but still. For Bel, it was simply easier to forego that minute little detail and just assume that Fran was indeed as dumb as he looked, what with that deadpanned, borderline brain-dead stare of his…not to mention the ridiculous frog hat that Bel himself forced the younger man to wear, if only for his sadistic amusement.

Besides, didn't Fran know how to pick locks?

Belphegor blew at an errant lock of blonde hanging down directly into his eye as he lounged like the arrogant, spoiled prince he was atop several boxes filled with God-knows-what, all the while shooting heated glares at the monotone youth planted on the floor not but a few feet to his right. The prince supposed that that little skill the replacement illusionist happened to possess would be rather useless if the door locked from the outside, hence the reason why he was sent to retrieve him upon receiving the 'distress' signal ('Bel-sempaaaaiii…I'm trapped in this horridly dusty attic with only roaches and cobwebs for company. Come save me.') from the boy via text message.

Upon arriving in the attic, the blonde was greeted with a blunt, snitty interrogation as to why he took so bloody long to, in Fran's words, 'haul his unprincely carcass across the mansion and rescue him,' to which Belphegor testily responded with several knives and a few choice words of his own. What the prince failed to realize though, that is, until Fran pointed it out, was that in his blind 'fake-prince rage,' he had slammed the door shut, effectively trapping them _both_ inside the dark, dusty attic. Together.

That had been over two hours ago.

In that time, they had been quickly joined by the rest of their esteemed colleagues, who were clearly more interested in the well-being of the candles (which were meant to be lit atop Squalo's birthday cake) than their own. Lussuria naturally came first, nagging Bel for leaving his phone on the kitchen table, and thus, not answering the Muay Thai expert's calls or text messages. Levi followed shortly after, demanding on Xanxus' behalf, for them to hurry the fuck up.

It was the same situation both times.

"Boys! What on Earth are you two doing up here?"

"Hey you guys! Boss said to hurry the fuck up!"

"Wait-!"

"Lussu-nee-san-"

"Levi you fuckin' douche-"

"Don't close the-"

SLAM.

"-door."

And so the four of them sat, bickering and cursing each other's mothers for having such inept children (well, mostly Belphegor and Levi. Lussuria and Fran both opted to take a seat and watch the debacle between their battling comrades) until an hour later, when both Xanxus and Squalo made a joint appearance, if only to berate the four of them for collectively failing at such a menial task as retrieving some god-forsaken candles. But as the six of them sat in an annoyed, stark-silent circle in the middle of the attic, Belphegor wondered to himself.

Why did every member of the Varia, himself included, feel it necessary to SHUT the door before commencing their barrage of nagging/complaints/death threats/manic exaltations of their boss?

Honestly.

It was just as simple to do all of those things _without_ closing the door, wasn't it? The prince supposed that they all just liked to make things difficult for themselves.

And so, they sat.

"So Squalo, how old are you now?" Lussuria began pleasantly. He already knew the answer, but for the sake of making conversation and disrupting the awkward silence between the six of them, he feigned ignorance.

The swordsman shot him a sub-zero glare, but answered nonetheless. "Thirty-two." He ground out before pointedly looking away from the flashy martial artist.

"Wow, that's all? I thought you were like sixty already." Fran quipped from his perch on the floor as he drew little dust angels on the wooden plank, ignoring Squalo's rage-injected backlash.

"Motherfucker!" Squalo shouted, his pallid face morphing into a rather unsightly purple color as he spewed a lengthy string of expletives at the young mist guardian, who was having a merry old time doodling in the thick carpet of dust on the ground.

"Ushishi~! Calm down grandpa, before you rupture something." Belphegor said around a snicker, having grown bored with the deafening silence.

Squalo's snarls and curses were promptly silenced by two bullets whizzing by his face (nearly shaving off a good five inches of his fringe in the process) and embedding themselves in the wall behind Fran's head.

"Shut the fuck up. My goddamn head hurts." Xanxus muttered crossly as he lowered one of his X-pistols back into its proper holster. Squalo's furious cursing lessened into barely audible mutters as the swordsman gave Fran one last incensed glare before reclaiming his seat on a rather precarious looking box to Xanxus's left.

And so, again, the six assassins sat in palpable silence. Under a dim little light bulb that was their only source of light.

And the door was still locked.

* * *

_**Hour one.**_

"What the fuck do we have in all of these goddamn boxes anyway?" Squalo snapped as he kicked yet another box out of his path.

Xanxus glared over at his second-in-command from his makeshift throne of several boxes stacked on top of each other with a thick dusty sheet strewn over them.

"Trash. What the fuck else?"

They suddenly heard an excited squeal from the other side of the small room. In the dim lighting, they could see the blonde prince kneeling in front of a medium sized box labeled: _The prince's shit. Don't touch!_

"Oh look!"

"What is it, fake prince-sempai?"

STAB.

Belphegor's Cheshire grin widened as he gingerly plucked a horridly dilapidated stuffed rabbit from inside the box.

"It's Frankenbunny!" Fran gave him an odd look, thin eyebrows rising up under his bangs.

"…_Frankenbunny_?" The prince nodded fervently.

"Yep."

"As if you didn't appear to be psychotic enough before."

"Shut up Frog! Oh Frankenbunny, I missed you so much!" Belphegor shouted in near manic glee as he hugged the decrepit toy tightly against his chest, nuzzling his face into its face…

…and then promptly bit its head off.

Fran walked over to the older assassin, who was busy savagely mauling the innocent rabbit to fluffy little pieces, and tapped the prince on the shoulder.

"You know Bel-sempai, one of the tell-tale signs someone is a serial killer is when they kill small animals for fun. Even stuffed ones."

Belphegor looked over his shoulder, the now decapitated Frankenbunny's head hanging out of his grinning mouth.

"Shhuu-uff, stuoooii faawwgg"

"Sempai, I can't understand you with all of that stuffing in your mouth."

Levi gave Belphegor a disgusted look.

"…yeesh, no wonder you named it Frankenbunny."

"…Freak…" Squalo muttered as he rummaged through another box a few feet away. His scowl suddenly morphed into a wolfish grin as he lifted a frilly, over-tye-dyed disaster of a garment out.

"Voooi! Hey Xanxus! Aren't these your lucky underwear?"

At that exclamation, all of the Varia officers glanced over with curious looks.

"Boss has lucky undies?" The Varia boss's face reddened rather noticeably as he shot up from his 'throne' and snatched the 'lucky' undies from his second in command's slack grip.

"Gimme those you piece of shit." Squalo snorted as he released his hold on the garment, snickering all the while.

"I'm sure they look _precious_ on you." Xanxus twitched irritably, blush darkening as he hurriedly stuffed them in his back pocket.

"If you want to live to see tomorrow, you'd better can it."

"…" Squalo wisely said nothing else, but walked away still grinning from ear to ear. Another girlish squeal suddenly erupted in the tiny attic, this time from Lussuria.

"Oh my~! It's a box full of my favorite toys~!" Belphegor immediately spit out the sad, gooey remains of Frankenbunny and bounced over with Fran following, albeit at a much more leisurely pace.

"Oh! The prince likes toys! Let me see!"

"Be careful Luss-nee-san, they might suffer the same cold-blooded, savage fate as Frankenbunny."

…

"Luss-nee-san…is this… a …strap-on?" Lussuria beamed down at the younger man, who was staring at him blankly and holding a rather scary looking dildo in his gloved hand.

"Indeed it is, Fran-fran~!" Levi gave the martial artist a strange look, or more accurately, he gave _his crotch _a strange look.

"Um…don't you…you know, _have one?" _Lussuria waved a dismissive hand, chuckling softly as he fanned his reddened face.

"Of course I do, Levi darling! This wasn't worn by _me_…Ohoho~!"

Levi immediately walked to the other side of the room.

Belphegor hurriedly snatched the 'toy' out of Fran's slack grip and strapped it around his head, fastening the latch under his chin so that the…ahem…_pleasurable_ part of the contraption was jutting up straight out of the middle of his head.

"Sempai, you shouldn't strap that to your head, people might get the wrong idea."

"…too late." Levi interjected from his seat a few feet away.

"Ushishi~! It's like an antenna!"

Fran shook his head in mock-disappointment.

"God, what a weirdo."

The blonde gave him a perverted grin.

"Shishi~! Me gusta!" Fran rolled his eyes.

"Wow…you're a literal 'dickhead.' If only your family could see you now." He said glumly, all the while shaking his head. Lussuria slung a well-muscled arm around the prince's neck, pulling their heads together conspiratorially.

"Hey Bel, I'll give you ten euros if you hug Squalo with that on your head." He whispered in the psychopathic aristocrat's ear. Bel flashed him an especially wicked looking grin.

"Lussu, make it twenty and I'll totally do it."

"Deal~!"

And with that, Belphegor casually sauntered over to the moody swordsman and wrapped his sinewy arms around Squalo's waist from behind, and leaned his head on the older man's shoulder.

"Hey Squ-chan!" Squalo gave him a sideways glance.

"What?" He snapped, before getting an eyefull of Bel's new 'hat.' His jaw went slack.

"Happy Birthdaaaayy…Ushishishi~!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

"It's my passion for you manifested in a cheap silicon sex toy that may or may not have been in Luss's booty at one point or another."

"…"

"Ushishishi~!"

"You have three seconds to get the fuck off me, or so help me God this attic will suddenly have a window shaped like your goddamned body!"

"Ohhh…harsh Squ-squ. I'm just showing you how happy I am that you're another year older."

"Three!"

And with that, he promptly bashed the younger assassin right on the head.

"Ow…Squalo! You skipped one and two!" Belphegor snapped, cradling his now injured head and completely neglecting to straighten his 'hat,' which had gonna askew when Squalo smacked him, and was now dangling down over his face like a wilted daisy.

"I know that!"

A sudden sizzling sound silenced the escalating argument. They all looked up at the one tiny bulb hanging over head as it sparked, dimmed, illuminated once again in one last mediocre display, before burning out, leaving the six men completely in the dark.

"Hey guys…"

"Yeah?"

"What?"

"I think the light bulb just fizzled out."

"Thank you for pointing that out, Froggy. I'm sure we would have eventually noticed."

"Yeah, but then that'd be giving you a little too much credit, don't you think?"

"!"

"Great. Now we're stuck in the dark. Fuck this attic. And fuck Squalo's birthday."

"Voiiii! This ain't MY fault! I never asked for a party!"

"So? It's still your fault."

"It's Fran's fault!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah it is! If you had just gotten the candles like a _not_ stupid person, we wouldn't be here."

"Or maybe if whoever put the lock on the door had bothered to put it on correctly, we wouldn't be here either. Not my fault it locks from the outside."

"Shut the hell up you dumb pieces of shit."

"Sorry boss."

* * *

_**Hour two.**_

"When in the hell did we get an attic, anyway?"

"It's always been here, stupid ass."

"No it hasn't. I don't remember ever having an attic."

"Okay, so because his royal brain-dead highness doesn't remember it, it must not have existed?"

"Exactly."

"Bel…"

"What is it, boss?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"kay."

…

"And I'm not brain-dead, you anus."

"Oh~! My Mohawk is getting all sweaty! Ick!"

"Then just leave it down. It looks better like that anyway."

"You think so, Levi?"

"Uh…I mean, not that give a damn about your hair or anything! I'm…just saying."

"Aww, you do care!"

"Fuck off!"

"Goddamn, I'm sweating my balls off. Isn't there a fan or something up here?"

"Nope. I looked."

"The prince is hot."

"And?"

"Nothing. It's just really fucking hot in here. That's all."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, sempai."

"Ugh, shut the hell up toad."

"Isn't there like a window in here or something?"

"Who makes an attic without any windows? Was the architect Forrest Gump?"

"I like that movie."

"Who gives a shit? God, my cake! I was looking forward to that fucking cake all day. This fucking sucks!"

"Froggy, can't you just _illusion_ us out of here?"

"Um…it doesn't work like that, Bel-sempai. I'm not Mammon, you know."

"Clearly. Because Mammon is cute and useful. You're just an ugly, good-for-nothing bum."

"Aw, you're breaking my heart, sempai. Really."

STAB.

"Where is the little shit when you need him?"

"At the bank. Duh."

* * *

_**Hour three.**_

"This attic fuckin' sucks."

"Yeah Xanxus, _we know_ it sucks. For the hundredth goddamn time."

"Watch your mouth, birthday bitch, or you won't live long enough to wack off as a thirty-two year old."

"Voiii!"

"Yeah Squ-chan, if it wasn't for your unfortunate existence on the Earth, we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with."

"Vooooi! Kid you are begging for a fucking smackdown!"

"Ushishishi~! Bring it on, you old fart! The prince has been looking for a chance to hone his skills."

"Hey Squalo, how often do you masturbate anyway?"

"Ehh?"

"Goodness Fran! How vulgar~! I love it! Oh strategy commander Squalo! Do tell~!"

"I'm just trying to make conversation, you know, since we're all stuck here until we die. Might as well get to know each other a little better."

"That's a little too personal, don't you think?"

"It's okay Levi-san, none of us are interested in hearing about how often YOU masturbate."

"!"

"I'm not answering that."

"Answer, Scum."

"Yeah, we're all men here…well except for Luss-nee-san, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, Ushishi~! How often do you 'beat the meat' Squ-squ?"

"Motherfuck Bel!"

"Come on, I'll tell you how often I do it if you tell."

"But I don't care how often you do it! Voii!"

"You jerk off froggy?"

"Yeah, don't you?"

"The prince has people to do that for him."

"People masturbate on your behalf?"

"No stupid ass! They…Ushishishi~! You know…"

"…Oh. So that doesn't count then, you dumb fake-prince."

"That's just regular old sex then, Bel."

...

"Okay fine! Like once a day, in the shower."

"Oh~! How steamy!"

"Calm your tits, Lussuria."

"What about you Fran? You don't look like the 'self-serving' type."

"I don't?"

"I always thought you were asexual. You know, 'cause you're always so…blah."

"Yeah Froggy, it'd be kinda weird trying to picture you doing it. Ushishi~!"

"Sempai, I'm only human, you know. What, do you think I just stand in the corner of my room, facing the wall and picking my ass until I'm summoned for dinner?"

" Yeah. That's exactly what I thought."

"…well I don't."

"Come on Squalo, indulge us~!"

"I ain't tellin' you perverts jack-shit!"

"We won't judge you, long-haired commander."

"FUCK OFF!"

"Answer or I'll shoot you in the knee cap."

_Sigh._

"…once in a while, in the shower too. There, happy?"

"Once in a while? What kind of lame answer is that?"

"Fuck you! How often do you do it then, Fran?"

"Ffff… how often do I _not_ do it is a better question, I think."

"Jesus Christ!"

"What, is that weird?"

"Don't you have anything more productive to do with your time?"

"Not really."

"No, it's just because he thinks about that gelatinous blob he calls a master while he does it. So he goes fap-crazy! Ushishi~!"

"Voii! I did NOT need to fucking know that!"

"I thought that was normal…aw nuts."

"No pun intended, I hope."

"Aha, I see what you did there, Boss. It's your turn to answer by the way."

"Hmm…it depends."

"You're actually gonna answer? Wow."

"On what?"

"If I have anything better to do or not."

"See long-haired commander? I'm not the only one who gets bored around here."

"Like drink?"

"…exactly."

"So your day basically consists of you drinking and jerking off?"

"Damn right it does, trash."

"That's the life."

"And beating up Squalo, don't forget that."

"Shut the fuck up birthday bitch."

"I don't masturbate. Is that weird?"

"Yeah Levi, it IS weird. But unsurprising, seeing as how you're so unsightly that even YOU won't touch you."

"I don't because I have a girlfriend, I'll have you know! And she happens to be very satisfied with me!"

"…You have a girlfriend that isn't a picture of Xanxus-sama?"

"Oh you really lay it down, don't you Levi-san?"

"Damn right!"

"I think I walked by your room once when the two of you were at it. I was mildly shocked."

"She was loud, huh?"

"Yeah. I could hear her 'bahhh-ing' down the hall."

"WHAT?"

"Get it? You know, because she's a goat? Goats say baaahh."

"HAAAA!"

"Ohohoho~!"

"…fucking Christ."

"Ushishishi~! Goat-fucker!Goat-fucker!"

"…That was a dick move Fran."

"Dick moves are the only moves I make."

* * *

_**Hour four.**_

"Seriously. Is Fran even your real name?"

"Yeah."

"What kind of cracked out whore names their kid _Fran_?"

"My mom. And who names their kid Squalo? Sounds like squalor, without the R."

"Voooiii! Watch it smart-ass!"

"Isn't Fran like a chick's name?"

"I don't think so. Isn't Belphegor a demon's name?"

"Actually it is."

"Can't say the same for Fran though, Ushishishi~!"

"Too bad it's such an ugly name though."

"Wha?"

"Belphegor. It's like the ugliest name I've ever heard in my life. Sounds like the little hunchback guy in Frankenstein."

"Oy my God~! You're right, it does!"

"I'm gonna shank you right in the eye."

"Don't do that, Bel-sempai."

"So it legitimately says Fran on your Birth certificate? I'm sorry, I just can't believe that."

"Okay, you got me. My legal name is Optimus Prime. But everyone calls me Fran for short."

"…"

"So Squ-chan, how're you enjoying your birthday party?"

"Well, aside from the fact that I'm stuck in a fucking smelly, hot-as-balls attic with you assholes for an indefinite amount of time, it's fucking peachy."

"I heard you talking to your dad."

"You were listening to my private conversation?"

"Relax, ass-hat. It's not like I could ignore the two of you, since you were shouting into the goddamn phone the whole time. By the way, was your old man on speaker or something?"

"…no?"

"…so that's were your big ass mouth comes from, huh?"

"Fuck you."

* * *

_**Hour five.**_

"I would fuck the shit outta her!"

"Same."

"I would, if she wasn't already all over Reborn's dick."

"I want her brother, Ushishi~!"

"What's going on?"

"If you could fuck anyone in the Decimo brat's family, who would it be?"

"…are you guys really that bored?"

"Evidently."

"Oh. Well in that case…hmmm… I would do-"

"-Besides Mukuro."

"I wasn't gonna say Mukuro."

"Who then?"

"That's easy. Basil."

"The Shakespeare kid?"

"Oh heavens~!"

"Oooh yeah."

"Um…why?"

"You mean you wouldn't?"

"Well… he certainly isn't the prince's first choice."

"I would so do him, 'cause I wanna know what he sounds like."

"What he sounds like?"

"Yeah, can you imagine? We're going at it and he'd be like: Oh Fran-dono~Oooohhh Fran-dono~! I beseech you, thou dost fuck-eth me harder!"

"Aw Hell!"

"Ohoho~!"

"Get the fuck outta here!"

"It'd be hot, man. I'm telling you."

"Ushishi~! I wanna screw Hayato-kun through a building!"

"Remind me again, who is that?"

"He's the one up on the Vongola brat's dick all the time."

"…?"

"The one with the bombs?"

"Oh, that kid."

"Yeah, his ass virginity is mine! Ushishi~! He just doesn't know it yet."

"Oh I think he does, Bel-sempai."

"As long as I can have my precious Ryohei, I don't care~!"

"Trust us, no one will fight with you over _that_."

"So Xanxus-sama, the Sawada brat. Yes or no?"

"I ain't a queer. He can keep his trashy ass to himself. His mom on the other hand…"

"BOSS!"

"What? I know I'm not the only one who thought about bending his mom over the kitchen table that one year."

…

"…You're right."

"Can't argue with that."

"I'd do her."

"Just remember scum, I called first dibs."

* * *

_**Hour six.**_

"I'm hungry."

"Story of the goddamn year."

"We're all hungry, Bel."

"But I'M a prince."

"Raise your hand if you give a shit."

"…"

"Hear that?"

"You mean the deafening silence?"

"Yeah. NO ONE raised their hand. You know why? 'Cause no one gives a rat's ass that you're a prince."

"Suck my dick, Squalo."

"Fuck off, brat."

"Che. Filthy peasant."

"VOOII!Call me a peasant one more time and see what happens!"

"PEASANT."

"You better sleep with one eye open tonight, prince bitch."

"Likewise, birthday bitch."

"Would you two hush up? Boss is taking a nap. If he wakes up he'll fry us alive."

"It's my birthday, so I have immunity."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that, commander."

_Crinkle crinkle._

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah…it sounded like…"

_Crinkle._

"A FOOD WRAPPER!"

"Who has it?"

"Bel?"

"I wish. Shit…"

"Levi?"

"Not me."

"Luss?"

"Noo~"

"Fran?"

"…"

"…Fran?"

_Gulp._

"Uhh...nooo…not me…"

"It's Froggy! Get him!"

"You're all quite heavy, please get off of me."

"Give us the candy bar!"

"But it's-"

"You have to ration the food, you little shit!"

"But-"

"Fran you bastard! Boss has to eat first!"

_Munch munch._

"Ptooey! Eww! What the fuck is this crap?"

"Well, it _was_ a nutri-grain bar, until you spit it out."

"Ugh stupid toad. You can't even eat right!"

"I like nutri-grain bars."

"We don't!"

"Sucks to be you guys then."

"Is there any goddamn reason you pieces of shit insist on shouting and ruining my nap?"

"…I wasn't shouting."

"YOU had better shut your fucking mouth. This is your fault to begin with."

"How's it my fault? You should blame the person who decided that candles should be kept in the attic instead of the kitchen cabinet, like a semi-intelligent person."

"Don't you back-sass the boss!"

"That was **my** idea, scum."

"…"

"You trying to say something?"

"…"

"Oooohh…Froggy's gonna get roasted! Ushishi~!"

"Aw shit. It's a good thing we still have Mammon."

"I didn't mean to offend you, boss. I was just saying."

"Yeah, tell it to my X-pistols, trash."

"…Fuck."

_*Violent explosions coupled with gratuitous amounts of cursing and yelling*_

"Hey look." Lussuria pointed toward the door, which no longer existed. The pale moonlight illuminated the tiny room from several of the windows lining the lengthy corridor and stairway that led up to the attic. The members of the assassination squad hobbled out of the room, one-by-one, taking care to avoid the smouldering ashes of the once door that kept them barricaded in the dusty room for the past…six hours?

Well it didn't matter.

In the middle of the attic, Xanxus stood with his face scrunched into a particulaly unpleasant glower, his X-pistols still smoking as he slowly lowered them back down to his sides.

In the midst of all the rubble, Fran sat huddled under a desk in the corner, managing to remain relatively unscathed by Xanxus's attack, despite his face and hair being a tad singed.

It was at that moment that everyone came to a unanimous realization.

"Boss…"

"You could-"

"-have done that-"

"From the goddamn beginning!"

Xanxus glared at his subordinates fiercely, if only to hide his embarrassment at not realizing that he could have just blown the motherfucking door down hours ago, and this whole ordeal would have been over and done.

"…"

They all stared at each other. Then back at Xanxus.

"…"

The silence was getting a bit awkward.

"Jeez, boss."

"Fucking. Brilliant."

Xanxus looked incensed.

"So I didn't think of it alright? Fuck off!"

Fran cleared his throat.

"But boss, you even used your guns earlier. The thought never occurred to you that you could just _blow _the door down? Don't you do that like once a day anyway?"

Fran immediately closed his mouth when everyone turned to stare/glare at him.

"It's still your fault, stupid frog."

"What? How was I supposed to know that the door locked from the outside?"

"You should have just stayed up here and died alone!"

"But where's the fun in that?"

And with that, Fran vanished.

"Fucking sneaky little toad-"

"The next time I see him-"

"I'm gonna skin him alive!"

"I bet you he's still here. Little chicken, you can hide, but you can't run!"

"It's supposed to be the other way around, Levi."

"Yeah, but in this case, it's the opposite."

After much arguing and ramblings of hunger, the others went downstairs and enjoyed Lussuria's fabulous red-velvet cake, and wished Squalo a happy birthday as only a group of elite assassins could.

Needless to say, Fran was noticeably absent from the Varia headquarters for a few days. He knew that if any of the others caught him, it would be his hide. In his mind, he weighed the pros and cons of returning back to base.

It seriously wasn't his fault, but, as the baby of the squad, it was his unwritten duty to be the scapegoat in a bad situation. It was rather unfair, really.

"I guess this tree is my new home for the next week." Fran said quietly to himself as he stared up at the intimidating Varia mansion. The others knew just as well as he did that if he didn't want to be caught, they would never find him, but still.

He had to go back _sometime_.

* * *

I…loved writing this. My favorite kinds of fanfiction stories are the ones that even I have to stop and crack up while typing. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. Don't judge me!

Hey Rayne, I hope you enjoyed your fic! Once again, Happy belated birthday =)

If you all liked it, please leave me a nice review! I love reviews. They make me giddy!

Sushi*Bomb


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